The Illness of Rose Evangeline Weasley
by QueenOfBabble
Summary: His death was her fault. She should've seen the signs, having known him for seventeen years.
1. The Poem

**A/N: Written for ****thenewkait****'s **_**MY FIRST KISS**_** challenge on HPFC.**

**Warning: Contains mentions of eating disorders and death.**

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The Illness of Rose Evangeline Weasley

From birth

They've known each other that long

United by parents

Events of a war long past

Took naked baths together

Levitated each other's cat

Had a phase where they sent letters by owl rather than speaking

Shared their first butterbeer

She was his first crush

Tender age of eight

He didn't know what love really was

Wanted whatever his parents had

Rode on a broom for the first time together

Played on the same Little League Quidditch team – the Ottery Owls –

He was Keeper, she was Chaser

Won the Little League Cup

Her first 'love' was an older man

Tender age of nine

Older man was at Hogwarts, in his seventh year

She stood no chance

Not against her beautiful older cousin

No one had a chance against her beautiful older cousin

Her beautiful older cousin beat her at everything…and she was tired of it

She grew sick

Her self-esteem plummeted

She grew depressed

He often found her in the bathroom

Hunched over the toilet

Went to St. Mungo's

She stayed there for a year

Tried to get better

Finally came home

He still loved her

Though he had an inkling as to what was causing her illness

He suspected her feelings for the older man, now a one-year graduate

But he wouldn't give up on her

She stayed home for two weeks over the summer holidays

Became sick again

Was sent back for a year

Needed to get better so she could start school

She came home once more

Finally cured, they were all sure

She had finally gotten over the older man

Maybe he now had a chance

They went off to school for their first year

Accompanied by her male cousin

Arrived at the school their parents had attended

Excitement filled the air

She, along with her cousin, went to the house of bravery

He went to the house of intelligence

He and she stayed friends

They had already been through so much

But they drifted

Didn't have classes together

Didn't have time for each other

Started making other friends

She fell for her father's enemy's son

But her father's enemy's son was interested in another girl

Her older, third-year cousin

So she grew sick once more

He still felt for her

Found out she was sick again

It was happening again

And she still didn't feel for him

He sent a letter home

Told what was going on

They sent her a therapist

She needed to get better

Saw her therapist once a week for six years

Kept having lapses of illness

Still loved her father's enemy's son

Still wasn't loved back

He still felt for her

Finally knew that it was love

Wouldn't give up

He had given her so much of his life

The school held a ball in their sixth year

He was too nervous to ask her

But he wanted her to be there

Persuaded her cousins to make sure she was there

The ball came

He was among the first people at the ball

He looked for her as the music began to play

Students began to dance

He couldn't see her

Hoped she was there

He wanted to tell her

Show her she was loved

The giant doors opened

The music stopped

The people turned

The last guest had arrived

Beautiful

Stunning

Enchanting

Ethereal

Red hair piled on top and curls cascading down

Silvery make-up to play up sky-blue eyes

Shimmering white gown

Looked like a Greek goddess

It was her

She had come

She was in front of him

Ensnared his heart

Watched as the guests parted

Made her an aisle

She glided across the floor

Looking for someone she knew

They locked eyes

In that moment he knew

Time to be a man

Take a chance

He approached her

Asked her for a dance

She blushed – made her even more beautiful

She took his hand and they walked to the dance floor

The music resumed

They began to twirl

The world fell around them

Their attentions were fixed

Crowd watched in awe

Guests didn't recognize the people on the floor

At a table sat her family

Family smiled triumphant

He only had eyes for her

His thoughts only for her

As they had been for eight – almost nine – years

He was in the moment

He leaned his head down

Put his mouth at her ear

And whispered what she'd wanted to hear for so long

She heard she was loved

He went in for the kill

Kissed her

Fireworks went off in his head

Blissful heaven

She did nothing

Pulled back

Started crying

Ran out of the hall

He followed her

Out of the castle

Into the courtyard

To her favorite bench

Sat beside her

Stroked her back

Smoothed her hair

Wiped her tears

She told him the truth

She didn't love him

Still loved her father's enemy's son

Was late because of her illness

He rose silently

She looked at him

Her eyes red-rimmed

His face blank

She asked where he was going

He said nothing

She begged and pleaded

Asked him not to leave her

He couldn't stay

He knew that

Knew that she'd never want him

The way he wanted her

He'd always be second-best

Shoulder to cry on

Best friend

Never boyfriend

Whispered a farewell

Told her that time was up

As the clock struck midnight

He swept back into the castle

Next morning

Breakfast was silent

She was the last one to enter

Had stayed up all night sobbing

Everyone turned to her

She was confused

Her male cousin – same year – approached her

Took her back out to the hall

She heard the terrible news

He was dead

Took his own life last night

Soon after he'd left her

She cried

This couldn't be happening

Just a nightmare

He wouldn't leave her

She was summoned to the Headmistress' office

His parents were there

His twin was there

Her parents were there

Everyone cried

Mourned the boy who would've been a man today

Mourned a son, a godson, a brother, a twin, a best friend

Mourned a good person who left this world too young

The funeral was in a week

Her birthday

She didn't mention it

Wanted him to have the best memorial

She was the last one in the office

Headmistress gave her a note

Said he'd left it for her

She nodded speechlessly

She went to her special place

The room that was whatever one needed

It was all black

A purple couch in front of a fireplace

She sat silently

Braced herself

Unfolded the note

Read his last words

Read them once

Twice

Five times in all

And she cried, cried, cried


	2. The Note

_Dear Rose,_

_I'm sorry. I shouldn't be, but I am. I never hurt you, so that's not why I'm apologizing. I'm apologizing for never being good enough for you. I'm apologizing for having stood by you for almost seventeen years, and never being given a chance by you. I'm apologizing for killing myself on my seventeenth birthday – happy birthday to me – and for never seeing you come of age. I'm sorry for leaving you._

_I couldn't take it anymore, though, Rose. The world was a cruel place for me – you were my only bright spot. I had few friends, and you know my family loved me dearly, but it was not their love that I craved – it was yours. It was always yours. It was always your love that I longed for, and always you that my heart belonged to. I would follow you to Hell and back just for one smile, one giggle, one sign of your happiness._

_It killed me, you know. Your illness – it's called bulimia in the Muggle world (I looked it up) – didn't affect just you. It hurt me, to see you hurting yourself like that. It hurt me, to find you crouched above the toilet, forcing yourself to vomit. It hurt me to see you become skin and bones. It hurt me to keep seeing you relapse, no matter how many different treatments you received. I tried to help you, honestly. I did whatever I could to help you feel better. You know that anonymous letter your parents received first year, the one that prompted them to sign you up for a therapist? Well, I sent that letter. I wanted you to get better._

_I've had a crush on you since we were eight. I didn't realize it was love until fourth year, I think. But you've always been __it__ for me – the one I wanted to spend my life with. Seeing you fall for Teddy at nine, and experience your first bout of bulimia after finding out that Teddy loved your cousin Victoire – it broke my heart. I think I was already in love with you, even back then. Knowing that you felt so strongly for someone twice your age made me feel inadequate. But I stayed strong. I would always stay beside you, no matter what._

_I missed you when you stayed at St. Mungo's that first year. I cried every day, and wished for you to return home to me. And when you came back, I thought you were healed. I thought you had given up on Teddy, and I would have a chance. But no, you were still hung up on him. And you went back to St. Mungo's again. And I missed you – my best friend – once more. And you came home the second time, and I hear – straight from your lips – that you were finally over Teddy Lupin. I was happy. I was so happy. I finally had a chance._

_We started at Hogwarts, and we started drifting apart. I tried to hang out with you as much as I could, but then you fell for Scorpius Malfoy. And it started again. Scorpius liked your cousin Roxanne. You felt inadequate once more, so you started with the bulimia again. I watched as you fell apart, but this time you couldn't stay at St. Mungo's for a year of rehab._

_Six years went by, and you saw a therapist once a week. I never told you, but your parents asked me to keep an eye on you. They wanted to make sure you weren't having any more episodes. But you did. And every time you forced yourself to vomit in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, I owled your parents. I'm sorry for spying on you, by the way, but it was for the best._

_The ball last night was the last straw. You looked so…incredible. So beautiful, so stunning, so amazing. I couldn't believe my eyes. And you danced with me. If only for a few minutes, you made me the happiest almost-seventeen-year old in the world. You were in my arms, and all of your attention was on me. I was in heaven. I don't know why, but I decided to confess to you. To confess that I loved you. And then I kissed you. It hurt me when you didn't kiss me back. When you started crying, and ran away. But, because I loved you, I followed you. That's when I finally heard the truth from your lovely lips._

"_I'm sorry, Lysander. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'm in love with Scorpius Malfoy. Did you know that he came to the ball with my cousin Lily? I saw them on my way to the Great Hall. They looked so good together. I made a stop at Myrtle's bathroom and vomited. I'm sorry."_

_I was speechless. Not again. We all thought you were better. That's why the therapist stopped coming. We thought you were over Scorpius. We trusted you. I wanted to tell you all of these things. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. So I stood up, and began to plan. I didn't know what to tell you when you asked me where I was going, when you begged for me to not leave._

_My head was reeling. I finally realized that, though you were __it__ for me, I'd never be __it__ for you. I'd always be your best friend, never your boyfriend. You'd never even consider me as boyfriend material. 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you.'_

_The clock in the courtyard struck midnight. I couldn't stay. I was hurting too much. My plan had been formulated. So, just as in the fairytale your mother used to tell us – you remember Cinderella – my time had run out. The magic was fading. I said goodbye, and I left. You probably thought that I went back to the Ravenclaw dorm, but I didn't. I took one of the secret passages into Hogsmeade, and Apparated – yes, illegally – to our favorite spot. I Apparated to the lake where we used to go swimming on hot summer days, and watch the stars on cool summer nights. Where we were happiest._

_That's where I'm writing you this letter, Rose. You are the only one that gets a letter before I do the deed. Before I take my life. Because I love you, and I have always loved you. I sincerely believe that I've loved you since the first time we met, both of us only a few weeks old. You've always had my heart. You're the one I'm going to miss the most when I'm gone. The only one who's ever truly mattered to me. And that's why I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we never had a chance._

_Always remember: You are beautiful – no matter what anyone else says or thinks or does – and I will always love you. __Always__._

_Yours forever – in life, death, and afterwards,_

_Lysander Xavier Scamander_


End file.
